I am as real as I possibly could be. Ask my friends.
KEEPIN' IT ONE HUNNAT. I know I give them a hard time but if I sense they aren't owning up to what they're really feeling... not sugar coating to appear more REAL than they really are... But to plainly and state what's real on the inside AT THAT VERY MOMENT. No games. No shade. Anything other than that, I'm peeved. I will call them out in a heartbeat! But in my defense like- 'HELLO' someone's got to be the BS police, right?! And I've been in this business for a long time. Straight since '92.
Things are going well for me. I have wonderful friends who feel loved and cherished by the way I treat them. My siblings feel remembered. My mom feels treasured. My homies lives are swell. Not to mention that HEY- I'm doin' thangs. Making moves in the music industry, shopping and constantly reinventing my face, and just living life like a Go-Getta, YOLO spitta, Insta-popping, Pop-Rocks-Chompin', Chick-Fil-A stopping, 23-year-old. Just great. [Insert Big Blushy Cheek Emoji Here]
Well... I'll say it's 'good'. Things are going... good. I don't get to see my little siblings as much as I'd like. We're all busy! With their school activities and friends.. They're happy like that. With them. And mom? I'm sure she's being treasured enough with her church friends! YEAH. She sings with them and-and watches their kids 'n stuff. That's good for her!
And my days are...
Let's get real.
Days get hard. They get scary... Like emotionally, repetitively, lonely-scary at times. Some days I don't wanna get dressed all pretty, toss eggs to try and maintain my girlish (aka grown adult woman) figure (aka flesh rolls that happen to look cute sometimes), let alone be a living, loving, neighborhood-celebrity-friend. Then some days I wake up and have a desire to take super sassy, cute pictures and argue with myself about posting them on Instagram just for a mild boost of confidence from the amount of "Likes" I may receive. That's a great life, isn't it? They speak to me:
"Wow Majesty, you've really learned a thing 'er two about makeup. But that natural look is what's got me. We can't decide on which one we love more!" -- "We all wish we were you!" -- "Gosh Maj, you're actually really pretty. The glistening 4PM sunlight has absolutely nothing to do with how immeasurably and incomparably beautiful you are." -- "You're just perf." -Likes
Now I'm cool.
BUT ON THE REAL- some days I wake up afraid of myself. I don't know what I'm capable of. Can't I create some type of chaos that can't be forgiven? What sins will I commit today? My brain is too fast for my heart. Or vice versa? I hide under my soft, brown blanket and try to answer all the questions in a quick blink of an eye. The sun is calling for me to seize the day but I can't even find it in me to seize my THOUGHT PROCESSES first. I better answer them all. Truthfully and quickly. If not, I'd be better off in the dark, blanket abyss. One chance and I'm done.
"How humble you are, Majesty." -- "You're just frickin' perf." Keep telling yourself that.
The List Goes On:
- I'm so hard on my conscience. They'll be beckoning for answers by dawn. I make myself act perfect in order to convince myself that maybe I am.
- I'm self-centered. Like will I ever think about someone other than myself long enough to forget about my own wants and desires for a moment?
- I talk myself into thinking WRONG is RIGHT. I'm a failure at making my own rules. Sitting around pondering about what I (Majesty) think is probably unhealthy. They make no sense in the grand scheme of life. And if I was running a country on these principles... We'd all be dead. ('Til death do us part, John...)
Is there even an alternative at this point? Wait.
On second thought: Maybe the "One Hunnat" standard is a tad bit high. But.. I've done it to my friends. And I've done it to myself...
Can anyone relate?
I've held these silly principles so high that no one can reach them. Not even I. That's probably the actual definition of insanity.
Hypocrisy. I've accidentally created a monster living in my very mind. It devourers the good I could do for the people sitting right next me. It says that no one is good enough for today. The blame is on me.
*covers head with fuzzy brown blanket*
So I egress:
- I'll rest. My restless mind will have to wait a few moments -- Until I can be thankful for the life I have, I won't be able to tackle the unknown. I will force my thoughts to relearn how to think. The lustful world can wait.
- I'll recenter my life. The ones I say I love the most will be able to clearly see it. Even on the busiest days, I won't pretend like I'm doing them right. I'll ask them what they think. I'll show them love by THEIR definition of it.
- I'll re-align myself with a solid standard. I need a standard that re-aligns me each day by it's never-changing truths. There are RIGHTS and WRONGS. We all know it. But I'll search for the ones that don't necessarily pat me on the back and say I'm fine everyday. I don't need the one that just "Likes" how my face looks. Something much different than my fickle mind... Something unwavering. I need the standard that says "You can make it, Maj! You're made for this." -- "You might have missed the mark this time but try again!" --"You're not perfect but I can tell that you're striving for it on the inside. That's what counts."
Yeah! Saying, "You're beautiful because you re-align yourself with the solid standard everyday."
That's what my soul truly longs for.
Enough with the over-the-top, Instagram caption lifestyles. My life ISN'T a song lyric. It's not glistening in the 4PM sunlight. If I could cuss about this, I would! My life is hard some days. And I'll be real about it.
I'll give grace to my friends on the days they get choked up on emotion. Heck, I'll even comfort them. That's a thought. "Keepin' it real" isn't at all like "keepin' it fake". Being real about where I'm at can help me understand where I'm going. That's worth coming out of the blanket for.